My story

Content warning: self-harm, abuse of all kinds, suicidal ideation, hospitals, domestic violence and other tough topics!

I was born a cold stormy snowy day in November 1992. It was a thunderstorm and a new moon. I was born lacking oxygen so I was quickly taken care of and later diagnosed with autism (though in my young adulthood), doctors think the lack of oxygen might have worsened my disabilities.

I was a melancholic, quiet child. My favorite things in the world was writing, quietly humming to songs I created myself and get lost in the world of books. I also did portions out of rainwater and flowers, I discovered enchanted nature and I was witchy already as a child. However, my childhood was dark in many ways. I was sexually abused and survived it at the age of 7. I was physically and emotionally neglected and abused by adults around me. And after my parents divorce, I quickly became the forgotten child in the new families, probably because of my disability and nobody really understood how to connect with me, but also because I was a particularly peculiar child. Already as a 9 year old I laid down on the road hoping to die by a car accident.

I was also bullied in school. Kids my age was my biggest fear and they were often beating me up at recess and flushed my head in the toilet. I was also regularly harassed sexually by being violently touched inappropriately by boys (and they did know exactly what they were doing) and teachers just blamed everything on me because I didn’t spoke up and defended myself properly.

In my pre-teen years I started to self-harm. Mainly by cutting but also burning myself. It started to get so severe that I needed to get stitched several times, and one of my scars on my arm went so disfigured that I needed a smaller kind of plastic surgery to fix it. I also attempted suicide several times after one of my best friends died, also by suicide. When I was at the psych ward I witnessed another suicide, and I struggled a lot with visions and flashbacks of that many years afterwards. On most of the psychiatric hospitals I went to, they used forced methods on me, like isolation and by strapping me to a special kind of bed so I couldn’t move. Probably because of my self-harming, but also because of at the time this kind of methods weren’t restricted in any way, so hospital stuff often used this as punishment on the patients. This is also part of my trauma.

I was taken in to a rehabilitation facility for my self-harming behaviour at age 17 and I was the youngest patient at that facility. Most of the other patients were taken in because of crimes they’d committed or were ex-prisoners, most of them were also men. I felt unsafe and didn’t know why they forced me to stay in such a place when I had never done anything wrong, like all the other patients. I think it was a question about money and the lack of places for young girls who harm themselves at the time. This was in 2010, I think. So we got placed with ex-inmates even though we never committed any crime, other than hating ourselves…

I lost a lot of weight at my time at the facility. The food served was days old and was leftovers from a school kitchen nearby. The people who worked there were cold and I didn’t like them. I was forced with their methods daily. My parents and other family was not allowed to know what was happening because it was against the policy of the facility. So nobody knew anything. Until I ran away.

After that I got my own apartment in my childhood town. I met my first boyfriend. He was already in his mid thirties when I was just 19 years old. He didn’t let me see my family, he slowly built up a habit of beating the shit out of me when I didn’t do things in the way he wanted, and he also regularly raped me to punish me for doing everything wrong. At one point he tied me up in the bed (and I got flashbacks to the mental hospitals..) and raped me an entire night. He also invited his friends to rape me as well. I was 20 years and these were grown men in their late thirties. I finally escaped with the help of a deacon who worked at a church nearby and she took me to the local charity for women who experienced domestic violence and needed help.

A few years later I was unfortunately violently raped on a date (by another man that I had met once before and I actually trusted because of a good first impression), and I was so broken at this point that my periods stopped and I got internal wounds because the rape was so brutal. The police got involved and I had to stay at the hospital, and afterwards with several months of checkups because of the damage he did to my body. This was it, he turned my already traumatic stress into C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) because at this point I had so many traumas. Both from childhood, adolescence and adulthood.

At age 27 I was very ill. I couldn’t walk and my legs didn’t work at all. I was in the worst pain I had ever felt. A year later I got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and was put on chemotherapy medication. I started to walk again, but does still have problems with the joints and muscles in my legs. Doctors think that the intense psychological stress in my body because of everything I had been through, caused the illness to break out this early in life because most people with this illness get it by the age of 45-55 years old on average.

At this point, I no longer had any hope for the future. Things got bad already from the beginning and I had very little hope for it to ever get better.

So I started this site to share my works.. maybe inspire people, maybe it helps me building myself up!