Trigger warning: descriptions of sexual assault, complex post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, suicidal ideation, self-harming thoughts, disordered eating.
She was on the edge. Could feel the pain as if it happened all over again. No sleep this night either. This pain was extra. So darn extra. It was physical more than mental. She could literally feel the burning, extreme pain, as if he was destroying her genitals. Like she was raped again.
Sweaty and with a pounding headache, she looked at the watch on the phone. It showed 05:30 AM. It’s time to get up soon anyway, so why bother go back to sleep, she thought. She also remembered her ex, yet another abuser. He had asked her to become his submissive toy and had certain fantasies he wanted to do with her. She didn’t want to but didn’t exactly say no. She was way too scared, and at this point, her sex life had become yet another kind of self-harming behaviour and not how a sex life should be at all. Not healthy in the slightest.
At this point, death seemed almost appealing. The darkness and calm were tempting, although she knew she was too passive to do anything. The only thing she could control was her body, and she only hurt it. Eating had become one of the ways she controlled her body. She is overweight as a trauma response, she used to be a lot thinner before… However, if anyone knew her thoughts behind her eating habits and how little she eats, they would be shocked. But just the fact that she even lets her ex talk to her like she’s a sex toy, when he previously used her in that way for real, should speak for itself. That she hasn’t blocked him is just another self-destructive behaviour.
Part of her feels like she deserves to be talked to like something to just use. After the violent date rape a few years ago she almost didn’t cared at all anymore. Nobody respects her “no” anyway.
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